ďThe feeling of really being lost, of having really lost all your bearings, is frightening.  You feel alone, forsaken, anxious.  Lately it seems that I have felt the gray emptiness of the inner lining of loneliness.  No one is immune.  I donít care who you are or how mature you are.  Loneliness is simply part of the human predicament.  It comes with loveís territory.  When you are truly lonely, simple cosmetics donít work.  You canít pretend that youíre okay.  Let your heart be thrashed and rearranged.  Donít just tidy up.  Let go.  Make real contact with yourself.  Light the fire.  Bomb the blockades to your heart.  The most dangerous journey is the journey inward.ĒóDr. Tim Hansel (1991)

ďA bachelor lives like a king and dies like a beggar.Ēó Modern English painter L. S. Lowry


ere is Appendix B of the book Suicide Notes by Anton A. Leenaars, Ph.D., a collection of suicide notes from females and males, age 25-59, who committed suicide in Los Angeles County, California between June 1983 and July 1984.  All of the misspellings, grammatical errors, etc., of the original notes are left here, and the book gives one of the notes designated as female, as signed by ďYour Son Bill,Ē which Iíve left here.

The subtitle of this book is ďPredictive Clues and Patterns.Ē  Though this wasnít the intent of this book, what really got me was how many of the men who killed themselves did so because of the ending of one romantic relationship or marriage, while the only woman to do this was a lesbian.  This totally goes against the usual sex-role stereotypes, where women need their relationships and marriages to last forever but men set out to use them.  Out of the 33 male notes, notes #3, 4, 6, 13, 15, and 32 say flat out that the guys killed themselves because of the ending of one romantic relationship or marriage, and notes # 8, 10, 18 and 21 give some indication that this was a big part of what led to the suicides.  On the other hand, the womenís notes tend to give the distinct impression that the women didnít kill themselves until they finally had so many bad experiences that they finally gave up.  Of the female notes, other than the lesbian who wrote note # 6, the only note that wasnít about something all-pervading was note #18, and here the woman seems to have the cognitive distortion common among suicidal people that theyíre not really dying so if their suicide has some spiteful effect then theyíll be around to enjoy it.

As Iíve looked at guestbooks for people whoíve sometimes had suicidal feelings, Iíve seen that this same pattern of which gender contemplates suicide for what reasons, also holds true for Europeans.  The webpage Regional Variations in Suicide RatesóUnited States, 1990-1994, from the Centers for Disease Control, said, ďSuicide rates are inversely related to level of education, and are substantially lower among married persons than among persons who are single, separated, divorced, or widowed.Ē  The Australian Broadcasting Company, on their web page Suicide rate on the increase, says that also in Australia, ďMarried people are less likely to die from suicide, with unmarried and divorced people more likely.Ē  Iíd rather be among those who enjoy hillbilly music on a hot summer night, or exploring nature, or being with those I love, or cheering for something that will do people a lot of good.  This really does tell us something about not only how easy it would be to trash traditional sex roles, but also how necessary, since if we go through life assuming that men donít take their romantic relationships or marriages seriously, this could lead to a lot of men, especially, getting hurt extremely.

And this playing the dependent role in relationships, really isnít that surprising.  Dr. Herman H. Rubin wasnít prudish, but didnít think much of trashiness.  His self-help book from 1933, Eugenics and Sex Harmony, says about chastity belts, ďThe belt was locked by the husband, who could take the key with him, even for a period of years, as certain of the Crusader chieftains did, in that so-called ĎAge of Chivalryíówhich was really the filthiest, most licentious and most debasing period in the history of the human race.Ē  The reason for the link between chivalry and licentiousness was that in that era it was trendy for upper-class men to seek after cold, distant, out-of-reach women.  Those who were already married to someone else, were very hard-to-get, so seemed very desirable.

Yet this is exactly how upper-class guys of the Middle Ages got their thrills.  Books I and II of De Arte Honesti Amandi by Andreas Capellanus, a caricature from that era, include such tenets as, ďYou must not deliberately try to break up a love affair between a woman suitably joined to another man,Ē ďBeing obedient in all things to the commands of ladies, always study to be enrolled in the service of love,Ē ďThe state of marriage does not properly excuse anyone from loving,Ē ďLove easily obtained is of little value; difficulty in obtaining it makes it precious,Ē ďEvery lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved,Ē ďOn suddenly catching sight of his beloved, the heart of the lover begins to palpitate,Ē ďA man in love is always fearful,Ē ďThe feeling of love is always increased by true jealousy,Ē ďWhen a lover feels suspicious of his beloved, jealousy, and with it the sensation of love, are increased,Ē ďA man tormented by the thought of love eats and sleeps very little,Ē and, ďA true lover is continually and without interruption obsessed by the image of his beloved.Ē  Nowadays women would seem very codependent, if they got thrills by getting romantically involved with married men in that this made them distant and hard-to-get.  Yet in the Middle Ages a lot of guys alleviated their own boredom like this, and thatís where chivalry came from.  The licentiousness was just a means to an end.

Those suicide notes also tell us how important it is to solve problems before they have such effects, even though, if you suggested to some of these guys that they stop their obviously obnoxious behavior before it ends their relationships on which they depend so much, theyíd probably react as if youíre trying to re-engineer their human nature.  I would have left the guy who wrote male note #13, since he was clearly very obnoxious, and probably could have learned not to be obnoxious if he was truly aware of what was at stake.

(from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)









     I have signed all of the pink slips for the cars so it will be easier for you dispose of them I donít want to be here when all the Buzzards pick through of my stuff But if I were you I would Move Back Here And Keep an eye on things for I am sure there will be a lot of looting [rest not clearly reproduced]

    The best advice I have for you is talk to John I think he is honest, maybe you could make some kind of deal to restore them for you say you could get the most moneyódonít [rest not clearly reproduced]
Please notify my wife Mary Smith
        Phone (#)
c/o (?)

Mary, Jane, Joe, John cant take it
lecturing will get worst now
forgive if you can

     Dear Mary
    After last night I know you do love me. You tried so hard to say you donít but your not speaking from your heart. Listen to it Baby remember in sickness and in health, richer or poorer till Death remember its going to Be our wedding date so very soon. 1 love you you stupid head. SMO I hope you Shno so Deeply. Iíve been wrong but Iím still you loveing husband forever. Iíam not sick to do what I have to. Your not like Jane she was a pig your so very different and so special of a person I love you and miss you so very much. Dent drink Donít let another man touch you honey. Put your ring back in the right place. I cant see how to live with you rebelling from me this is me honey Bill. SMO come to me Baby let me take care of you. I long to hold you in my arms make love to you forever remember! Please Iím your husband Baby.
    I set up outside to look like home. My home is with you NO MATTER WERE. Lets go home honey let me love you. Dont rebell any more. Your realy the only one who knows me Bill.  Not any one else. I know you also. the cats are gone everything but I know you love me.
    Stop it right now. Its me honey Bill stop this nightmare come to me your husband Its not wrong to love me not matter who said it is. Iíam here honey IíI1 be out back I have a change of clothes for you. You can take porsch Butt to the park again just our family. I know you love me honey I know Iím in your heart. Iíll be waiting for you no matter where I go. I love you mush pleace rember all the love I have shown you, rember please for God sake rember.


Please take care of my affairs, this was all my fault of selling house and everything I brought on myself. I canít go on living like this. I hope God will forgive me for taking my own life. I know the church was true if only we could of lived it better. Take care of yourself. I canít live without you:
Love Bill

I William Smith Do not want to Live anmore I am sick Mary I want to feel Better
    William Smith
    P.S. I want to DIE

    First of all Iíd like to say I really donít know how this is going to come out on paper. This is a first. These past few days Iíve had more than enough time on my hands to think. (only of us/ you.) I want only one thing right now that is for us to pull this together God I donít know why in the hell it has taken me all these years to be able to tell you I love you. You needed this all this time. My heart is puring out for you now. I can only hope its not to late.
    I want your love the way it was when you gave me your all. I now its probably impossible. Iíd give anything
    What I want to ask is there is chance that we can rebuild a healthy relationship. I want you to be able to say thats my old man. Be proud + supportive of me I want to be able to stand behind you with the same type of actions and feelings I need some time to open up the way you expect + deserve. I know now I need this counseling to open my mind and soul to make me a person worth giving your all to + myself being able to throw this damn sheild Ive been carrying around for so long. I gave everything I had to a relationship that wasnt worth the fucking powder to blow it to hell. I guess since that time Ive always been afraid to be vulnerable. I sat in solitary confinement for weeks crying my heart out. I swore to myself at that time there would never be another time. Iíve blown it to hell with you. I can only ask for your understanding and this guidence Im reaching out for now. I can state truthfully I should have looked for help earlier. I know Ií11 be able to express love to you if you will find it in your heart to let me. I want you and need you. I know you feel Iíve let you down. 1 readily admit its be a one way street,
    Iím sitting just waiting for this phone to ring + pick it up with your voice on the other end. Everytime a car pulls up I pray that its you. Maybe it will be before the end of tonight Im reach- ing out please tell me its not to late. I love you. Ií11 tell you as often as you want to hear it if youíll let me in. love you
We have got to pull together

    I sit alone. Now, at last, freedom from the mental and physical torment I have been experiencing. Iím damned if I do and damned if I donít. What a choice.
    This should come as no surprise. My eyes have spoken for a long, long time of the distress I feel. The self-imposed isolation, the rejection, the failures and frustrations overwhelm me. The laughs are all gone and irrationality has control. There is no way to pull myself out of the hell where Iíve placed myself.
    Please, please respect the dignity of respecting my wishes regarding no services, etc. It is all spelled out in the personal file of papers. If the XYZ program does not work out, use the alternate plan.
    I truly wish this could all have ended in a different way, but that was just not to be.
Goodbye, love, forgive me. May you all find happiness.
1    The personal file is up to date.  All important documents (stocks, etc.) are in the safe-deposit at (bank).  The deposit box key is on the car key chain. The box at (bank) just holds some copies of items which are not vital.
2     Donít forget there will be an extra $2000 in the (credit union) as life insurance.
3    My IRA and account funds are available to you as cash as beneficiary. Both at (bank).
4    The Travel file is on the file cabinet in the bedroom. Contact Joe for an appointment and perhaps he can offer some new way to collect for the estate. At least he can review what has occurred and tell you what property of Johnís is attached.
5    A good attorney can probably effect some kind settlement on the medical situation and explain the legal obligations for
whatever is unpaid.

honey I donít know how to say this When you read this Donít feel Bad or Sad about me - -Im my own way I am trying to straiten things out I got us in such a mess itís my own fault ó you should have some pension and Insurance from the local óchange the lot on (street) to your name only spend the money will take of yourself Just help the Boys if you can
    Bury or Burn me as cheap as possible I donít care where. You should find a lot and let the Boys build you a little house I and get the rest of the Insurance money. You only need one car now sell the truck it will help get things squared away Tell Bill I have no hard feelings to him I think he knows that. You donít have to call my whole family I donít think its that Important. I wish I could turn Back time But I cannot do that
   I know I had a job But the way my mind is I donít think I could handle itólike you said honey I give to everybody But you and I feel like I am a leech You have worked hard for years and you deserve something Better than me I hope you forget me real soon.
    Love Bill
    PS Boys I Love You
    I called Joe I wanted to here his voice one more time I told him that the fight was not your fault.

    I have taken my life because I tried shock treatment at the (hospital) and I became unbearably worse! I have no further desire to live. I am very bitter about what the shock treatments did to me. They made me worse than Iíve ever been in my whole life.

        I tried to get this car to San Francisco where I was happy to die. The carburetor wont co-operate
        I canít live in VA Hosp. And I wont live without you.
        Iím sorry I hurt you and scared you Christmas. It scared me to death but nobody cared
        If I donít kill myself Ií11 kill her and I love her to much
        I love you
        They wont even admit it was there because what I did
        Let the VA bury me
        I dont care what happens to this body
        1980 BMW
       Dear Mary
Iím sorry swearhart I know everything thats happened to us was my fault.

        I wish I could have been your white knight I just couldnít take pressure.
       You gave me the only happiness Iíve ever known.
        I gave you all the love and will to live that I had left.
        Please remember the good times
        I wish you could have had our kid, I would have been good to them
        I always loved you there was never anyone else

    I cannot continue any longer. The pain has become too unbearable. Jane is not responsible. My problems are insoluble. I
should have done it thirty five years ago

Lay in bed detsying all day
Life!! is so boreing. Back in the same old rut. No lights in Chev. Joe has got car. Truck wont start, stereo quit, caint sleep. Women left me. I feel like shit.

     Youve always told me not to play phone games.
     I passed you on the street today we seen each other but you kept going like you didnít even know who I was.
     I called your house but you unplugged your phone
    You would never answer my calls at your work
    You could at least call me
     I think you are seeing someone else if you are I think you should tell me. We are both grown up enough to understand
     I love you very much and I know you loved me at onetime but like you said I will drive you to someone else. Well I see that what happened.
    You must like him because your never home and when you are you wonít even call me. You unplug the phone.
     I know I fucked up your life, like they say misery loves company well I guess thats me misery. I hope we can work it out. But if you feel happier with someone else there is nothing I can do But regret every bad thing Ive did + said to you.


Evaluation + Options present situation
Received Last Check               220.00
Cash on hand approx.                50.00
Rent Oídue 13 days
Food for I wk. (Less milk)
1   Effort for job by19th (and pit off rent?) until 30th + 7th Oct
     This option with owner of Bldg. (If not, go to option 5)
2   Same as above Less Rent, move 1st Where?
3   Wait for evaluation, live on street, etc.?
4   Beg from friends?
5   Buy a Steak, Dope, Booze and go out with a BANG!
    (And see a couple of ladies first!!!)
    Discussion closed!óóóóóóó

Do you rememeber a Halloween Party 24 years ago? You were so warm that night and now are filled with ice and frigid dislike of me. How appropriate. Halloween, the start and end of our lives. And at the start, the vows that were made; for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse. And now death do us part.
    In a month, Thanksgiving. I was away just after our first one. Bet you canít remember what I gave you on our first Christmas? Oh, whatís the use of reminiscing? Iím gone and you have cold and hard thoughts of me. I just know I canít live in rented room after all these years. The final failure.

    Everything I can think of is in the best possible order. I am truly sorry to leave without notice. I did my best to leave everything set up. I have expressed my personal feelings in the past and they still stand. I always tried to do my best for you and you reciprocated.
    Me sincere thanks for all the help and education, as well as the personal assistance.
    There could be a lot more said but I donít think it is necessary.
    The only things I removed from my office were personal.
    In my car is my briefcase with company info etc. including various company keys.
    If you can help Mary + she wants it, please try.
                                                My most personal best
                                                to You + Yours,

    You know so many ways to say ďI love youĒ... with a kiss, a touch, just everything you do... But I donít know any way to really thank you, except to say how much I love you, too.
                                               Happy Anniversary
    We almost made the 15 years honey.
    Thanks for all the good times and happiness.


    I canít handle the responsibility of life.
    I have tried to cope with the pressures but find that I just canít do it.
    Iím sorry to leave behind those people I love-Mary, Jane, Joe, John, my mother, sisters, niece and nephewsóI hope they find peace and happiness in this difficult life.
    Iíve tried to make it and failedójust canít get it together anymore!
    This terrible depression keeps coming over me and I canít bear feeling so bad. Thanks to the people who tried to help me but I became beyond help!

Bill Smith

    Please call my children first
    Canít Take much more Love you all to much gone to See Mary
    I canít live without Mary this pain + misery is to much Love all you kids forgive me ainít going to Die in Hosp. Like Mom

 Love Dad

Well he couldnít Hack It, (OH Well)
    If your interested you are welcome to what ever you want in the garage. Ask Joe for the key Iíve let him know that you may ask for it. Anything you donít want that is valuable I would appreciate it broken, burned or buried. Perhaps you may take some things to Miss Jane. OH Yeah She has a fine place. The key to the chest on the small Round table against the Southe wall of garage next to chest. If you donít want the skulls please crush them. There is an excellent supply of incense some very choice vintage.
    You may also have the musical instruments that I once had. Do with them as you wish.
Yes, Yes, any books you want you may have.

 See Ya Around





(top of note missing)
...with Jesus + that I have prayed for him to lookafter you and Jane. I have prayed that you arent destroyed by this because that would be something I could never be forgiven for. My love for you has always been the deepest and hopefully Ií11 see you again. You are my miracle. I have accepted the lord Jesus as my saviour but I kow that he wouldnít condone this. I accept the just dues, and pray that maybe you wont hurt anymore. Make our kid something! for your strength and love does work miracles. You and Jesus I pray can forgive me for copping out. Its me who accepts the responsbility of my actions. I apolagize to all of you + beg Jesus forgiveness. I love all of our friends + loved ones. Pray for me for I know if there is a heaven, Ií11 hope- fully meet you there someday. You have been and will always be the brightest ray of sunshine that eve entered my life and no one can take that away. If I see mom Iíll see that Joe is taken care of + will try to be with him too! I Love thos kids and am asking yours + Jesus forgiveness for the trauma I have caused them. Eternity is the best way of saying how long I (?) love you.
Dad I hope will find strength in (?)
    May the lord bless + keep you + forgive me for something I have no earthly rights to do.

Your loving husband
Your loving father
Your loving Son

Joe You to are a good kid. If you had given me more of a chance I would have done anything for you. But I love you just the same. Your mother and I had our difference but I still love her very much so please take good care of her for me please.
    P.S. Joe The bike is still yours. But please be carefull with it. Drive it with the utmost safty please
    Good bye Joe remember I love you
                                                                              Your Father
To: My wife Mary
    Mary all I can say is Im sorry for the why things turned out. I guess you where right we could not make it with our marriage.
    I do wish I could undo the thing I had done but I canít. But do know I could have made it up to you in other ways. So this is it I just cant cope anymore say good bye to your mother and Jane + John and give all my love to Joe he was my pride + joy. I love him very much so give him a special goodbye from Pap-pa. Mary Im sorry and I love you please nver forget that I love you.
                                                                    Good bye your husband

But, if thereís a force & Iím given to control any of it, it shall be with you-
    Just donít know why Joe didnít call me for so damn long- always punishing me for something. You literally own her oil have for over two yrs. R & E Me? Bye all becoming very hard to cogi-type-tate-shouldíve planned ahead moreó
    John, thanks for tolíratín the abuses
    Xev-Neednít tell you.... You were! There was sorry too for things said but I was just trying to see you the baddest way tickets I could
    All love to & warm heart to

    Everything we have should go for the kids I left another 3230.00 on the bottom of the steps Just have the state bury me.
Its cheaper After all we are not legally married. They can not make you pay for anything.
                                                                Good Bye
                                                                 I Love You
The grass is greener on the outher side

    I Love You.
    I know you canít cope with Me. Please donít think I did this because of you. Iím fucked. But I do love you very much. I just canít cope. Please try to be good + remember all the good times.
    Good Times

 I was happy
The car is Maryís
                                                    Bill Smith
Please sent vamp. to (name, ph. #)
I gave Jane my stereo.
Donít let Sue have anything.
Put me to sea please
I love you Mary
See you later!!!

I just checked out may God have mercy on my soul

Dear Joe-
    Iím sorry it seems the only way.

Jane give all of my possessions to Mary and dont want Sue to attend my funeral.
                                                                        Bill __________
Mary Please take this check and withdraw all the money from my account
                                                                        Thank you
                                                                        Bill __________
Please Pay Joe at (business) $1400.00 (tel. #)
The BMW License/_________ should be retrieved from (auto shop) across the street and given to Jean when she turns 21 and is not to be sold
     My share of the houses should go to Jean and she is to retain full possession until such time that she remarries and at such time the share of this house that belongs to me should go to alchoholics Anonamous

Dear Mom and Dad,
    I love you both and I want to thank you for everything that you did from bringing me up to helping me with this current problem. As you know I have been a saver all my life and have spent almost nothing on myself all these years. I have been a prisoner of this discipline all my life; you taught me well. I can not face the future for what these people might want to do to me. So I am putting an end to my life.
    I will everything I have to both of you. I have accounts with Bank of ________ in _______, _______ Bank in ______, _______ Bank in _______ and _______ Savings and Loan of whose office is in ______. As well as ______AAA account: I hve a $50,000, CD with B of A and a $35,000 with ______ Bank. My safety deposit box is with B of A. The note that is in the Box from Mr. ________ has not been paid back to me yet and he will owe you the money now according to the terms of the note. He still works at ________ and his home phone is ________. His work number is _________
    I do not fit in this current society and I hope that whatever happens to my spirit, if there is such a thing, it will be happier there.
    I hope you understand why I have done thisóI just donít fit in to this world.
    Please use the money to have fun, we both know there is no need to invest it.
    I want Mary to share in this also. She has been wonderful to me and I feel that I should help her financially. You be the judge as to how to do this distribution.
    My radio equipment should be given to my wonderful friends Jane and Joe. They are both friends indead.
    I hope that I can find happiness out there somewhere.
    With all the love in me.


I am tired of failing
    If I can do this I will succeed
(Phone #) Police
(ext. #) Sgt. _______
                                                                                                                                  my love
I canít help myself + I canít do any more damage than I already have.
already have.
1.    First call Mary
2.    Donít forget that you can call on friends like Mary for support + to take care of Maitai
3.    Sign my unemployment check + deposit it ó (mail box toy is right here).
4.    Car needs gas
5.    You will live a happy healthy life.
6.    I am sorry
7.    Forever + a day is red
When you read this I will be dead (__________) take care of you get my other letters from the file

Post man - call Sherrif
Shooting in back yard.
no news papers

    Please forgive me. Iím too ill.
    Please take care of Mary and the children.
    Mary was really good to meóa great wife.

    Dearest Mary, I beg you forgiveness for what I have done to myself, to you, the children and all the family. I am sick ó too sick to continue on this painful path.
    After all the pain and suffering subsides, write to the insurance companies and the Veterans Administration. so that you can obtain the insurance benefits to live on for a time.
   What else can I say in this painful letter.  Please remember all the beautiful times that we shared together. I thank you for all of it.
    You have two beautiful children as a rememberance of these good times and our good marriage.
    I am truly sorry, the end came like this. I hope you can carry on, alone for a time.
    May God help you-
I see no way that I can recover from the illness that I have. It is now worse then ever.
    Thank you for all the good times. You are a great wife

Forgive me For today I die I just canít live without Mary. I might as well be dead may be their will be piece. I have this empty feeling inside me that is killing me everyday I just canít take it any more When Mary left me I died inside I cry to God to help me but he dosnít listen.

whom it may concern:
Please notify the following people what has happened to me
My son + daughter: (names, address)
My father ó (name, address)
My mother ó (name, address)
My sisteró
I will everythin I own to my son John and my daughter Janeó divided 50-50.
    I have $4000 in my money market account no. _______, at the (bank) at the (city) office # _______
    I have $747.92 in my checking account no. ________ at the (bank) at the (city) office #________
    There is $649 i my walletóin cash.
    My car is the blue Ford in the parking lot out back. License No ________
    I also leave them the two endorse checksóone for 20.00 + the other for $65.30.
                                                                                             Bill Smith

Suicide (?) Note.
     I hope this works
    There is an envelope at my feet for Dr. X in the Psychology Dept. Please see to it that he gets it.
    Also, class rosters for Trade-Tech are in my brown bag.
    Farewell, farewell, what a ridiculous way to pretent to go.
    Maybe this will go off by mistake.
    I hope! (Am terrified)
    What a rotten sham to pull. Itís too bad I donít have enough personality to be ashamed of myself.
    I should shoot my cat first.
    Fleas everywhere.
    You just canít continue leaning on everyone like this. This is a petty criminal mentality. Itís sick! & you donít want to get better, you want to get worse. Those who have befriended you (or loaned you money) get it the worst.


One could add to these the three male and three female recent suicide notes that Edwin S. Shneidman included in his book The Suicidal Mind.  The female notes are the following #12 which was written by an unsatisfied married woman, and ďI am tired of this emotional merry-go-round, so Iíll get out of it by taking my life,Ē and, ďI am powerless over my emotions.  Life is unmanageable.  Iím like a helpless 12 year old.Ē  The male notes are the preceding #32, which begins ďForgive me For today I die I just canít live without Mary,Ē note #7, which begins, ďI sit alone. Now, at last, freedom from the mental and physical torment I have been experiencing,Ē and one which says the following:

Dear Mary. I am writing these last lines to you because these are the last ones. I really thought that you and little Joe were going to come back into my life but you didnít. I know that you found someone else that is better than me. I hope the son of a bitch dies. I love you very much and Joe too. It hurts a lot that you and I didnít make it. I had a lot of dreams for all of us but they were only dreams. I always thought that dreams come true but I guess not. I hope to go to heaven but in my case Iíll probably go to hell. Please take care of little Joe because I love him with all my heart. Please donít tell him what happened. Tell him I went far away and will come back one of these days. Tell him you donít know when. Well, I guess thatís it. Take care of yourself. PS. I know we could have made it but you didnít want to because you wanted to get fucked by someone else well you got it. I canít really say that I hate you or love you. Youíll never know. Yours truly, Your husband, George.

(The psychologist of the woman who wrote female note #13 should have told this guy how much he must have needed to feel small and helpless, killing himself over this one shallow woman when so many women with substance are out there.)






    I wish I could explain it so someone could understand it. Iím afraid itís something I canít put into words.
    Thereís just this heavy, overwhelming despair ó dreading everything. Dreading life. Empty inside, to the point of numbness. Itís like thereís something already dead inside. My whole being has been pulling back into that void for months.
    Everyone has been so good to me ó has tried so hard. I truly wish that I could be different, for the sake of my family. Hurting my family is the worst of it, and that guilt has been wrestling with the part of me that wanted only to disappear.
    But thereís some core-level spark of life that just isnít there. Despite whatís been said about my having ďgotten betterĒ lately ó the voice in my head thaíts driving me crazy is louder than ever. Itís way beyond being reached by anyone or anything, it seems. I canít bear it any more. I think thereís something psychologically twisted-reversed that has taken over, that I canít fight any more. I wish that I could disappear without hurting anyone.
Iím sorry.

Dear God
I love you so much I can not express the way I feel about you you have been so good to me + my Daughter in so many way.
God I thank you for all the thing you have bless me with my life + home clothes everything I love you so much, God you know, but what even it is Iran putting it in you hard I can not deal with need more
    1  Let your will be.
    2  bless me with a job.

    Dear Dad & Mom
I Love you Very Much. I am Sorry for any problems that may have resulted from the way I treated my family. I wanted to know you But I just wasnít there. I wanted to be Strong for you & I went the wrong way. Father thank you for being my friend It would have been much easier to have just been a father but you wanted to be my friend & I have just wasnít their (Thank you for that & everything youvíe done for me)
Mother; I Love you so much you were always their when I needed you, you are very strong please forget about me I know it hurts but I was wrong. I Love you both so very much.
                                                                                                 Your Son Bill

    Thanks for waiting up for me. Thanks for not inviting me.
Please do not give [dog] to anyone. you can have my furniture but nothing absolutely nothing is to Bill.
    Thanks for the Memories

Dear Jane,
    I found a relative (a nice one) up North to stay with.  Iíve left the keys, etc. where you can find them. Iíll be back for the rest of my stuff as soon as I can.
    Take Care of Yourself
      X Mary
                              Find 2 Jobs in San Francisco
    Deal With Them
    Learn From Mistakes
    Commit Suicide

                                                    I HAVE COMMITED

Hello Jane
    I just wanted to tell you i still love you very much Babe Iíll always love you very much.
My God i donít know how all this happen but it did. I wish it never did happen. All i know it hurts real bad just thinking of it makes me cry and say why. I never thought you would do this to me.
    Byi my Lady I love you forever,
P.S. talk
    Youíre always be part of me and thought

   Jane I just want you to know I love you very much You know I still love you sweetie, I donít understand how all this happened, but you know what, I wish this would never have happened. Jane It hurts me very much. Just thinking of what happened makes me wonder why. I never thought you would do this to me! BABE I miss you.
P.S. I love you BABY

I commit suicide because I want to be with my father foreveró Donít rescue me otherwise I will die by harder way and harm others.

    I know the words that I am about to write will never answer why or ease any sorrow you may feel.
    These last 13 months of my life have been the most painful of my 30 years. Iíve been thru so much that along the way I lost myself. This is the way I want it; if that will help.
    Unfortunately I must once more be faced with what to do about loose ends.
    Most importantly Mom I want you to understand I must be cremated, not buried, and I do not want any kind of service!
Death should be just that. No mourning or sadness. If you like, on my 1 year of being gone have a mass for my soul to be found.
    Disability will be sending me a white slip to mail on the 30th. Do that and use the money on whatever you can. You know I have no money to leave anyone.
    I donít want those assholes Jane & Joe to get my car.  Youíll have to tell them I had severe breakdown and can only afford to pay $50.00, as I have been, because Iím away in a hospital. Enclosed are my keys. The smallest one is for my storage.
Mom I want you to contact John for me. I am leaving everything of mine to him because he loved me and was my very truest friend!
    He is to take over payments of $50.00 on my car (without Jane & Joe knowing) when its paid off he gets the pink slip.
    Everything personal & otherwise in my storage is his to do with what he likes.
    Tender words only make matters difficult. I would like to say I love you and thank you for your love.

Honey, I know you will be upset so call Jane or Sue or Jean across street for children
    call police + cover me up
    Donít let the kids in the bedroom. Iím dead

So many peopleó
    have loved me + tried to help ó Thank you ó but I couldnít pull that together to let it be enough
    óI have too much anger to faceóI canít do it
All my possessions go to my motheró
                                     + my sisteró
Selling my car should pay off outstanding debts to
                                                             (X) Counseling Service
                                                             Master Chargeó(X) Bank
                                                             Student Loan
All other possessions are paid for
                                                             Mary Smith
                                                             SS #

    When you receive this I will be dead.
    Please feed my pets-cats as soon as possible.
    Put them to sleep at the Vets not the pet shelter. The vets will charge about $10 each.
    You will find enough money in the house to pay for it.
    You may also have my 2 rings + my earrings.
    The $5000 trust you + Bill can deceide about
                                                                            At peace at last
I did not move ó my body will be at the ____________ address
                                                                             I AM
                                                                             NOT MOVING

    (tel #)
    (tel #)
If I havent the Love I want so bad there is nothing left

8:30 A.M.
My Last Will and Testament
    I leave any money or possessions left, if any, after debts are paid, to Joe, my brother, and Jane, my therapist, split 50-50.
    Iím sorry that I couldnít put the important papers in order. I canít organize anything any more. Tax receipts are in blue accordion folder on bookcase. John of (bank) has my savings (ph. #)
I just canít go on like this anymore. The depression and lonliness are too much for me. Being off of work will just make things worse. I tried to make it and failed.
Cremate me.
                                                                                           Love to all,
                                                                                           except Sue & Tony
                                                                                           Mary Smith
                                                                                           SS # __________

Thurs. A.M.
This is a Tx for competence + clear thinking.
I talked to Jane this A.M. + she was very understanding, saying my work was good as anyone elseís + not to push myself so hard + not to panic when I canít remember something.
    I went to the Depression clinic They have one study that would take me off drugs for one week on a placebo + then be on one of two drugs. She believes Iím getting worse on (drug) + that I need to get off of it + onto (drug) ASAP.  I do

I had another day of fear and trepidation. Praying not to be caught up in emergencies which I canít handle.  By dayís end, I felt that there is no way out.
    Then, had my session with Jane. All she could do is nitpick about how I need to feel small + helplessóyes I do feel that way, but it doesnít help me to get back on my feet quickly. Damn her! She could be fixing me up better somehow, Iím sure. She doesnít know how it isóthough Iíve tried my best to show her. Iím f.....g mad at heróAll right. Maybe my expression of that anger is good for me. Maybe itíll help meóIt has already helpedóIím sure of it. I feel angry + thatís better that feeling empty. Iím ďsome betterĒ as she says.
 The Art of Listening
The Art of Listening
Be Patientólisten to the whole question
Donít start thing @ your response
Listen to Nature/God
Behold I stand at the door and knock
 The Art of Listening
Shut out the useless
The more we know of our being the better instruments
Separated from Supply
Recognize God
Reunify (?)
How Religious Science Works
How Religious Science Works
Go slowly. Listen carefully
Peace Corps
 (ph. #)
     I slept Ďtil 10 + finally got up at @ 10:30. I donít know what Iím going to do. The only two avenues open, if I continue so depressed, are 1 Kill myself 2 Quit the job + retreat to New York. Both seem hopelessly awful. I rode bicycle for 1 mile Monday
    I feel just awful. What am I going to do? Called Dr. _______ San Francisco left message ? roade bike a little. Flailed on floor + worked up sweat.
    The Situation is Hopeless but not Serious
     Dr. __________
(ph. #)













ďI do not want the peace that passeth understanding.  I want the understanding which bringeth peace.ĒóHelen Keller






    I am so tired of feeling sick
    I cant go on anymore. This was the only way out for me.
    Please all forgive me, but its best for me.

Jane, Sue, Joe, John
My Darlings,
    Please forgive me. I hope I donít shame you too much. I have loved you all so much. The happiest times of my life was when we love together. We had so much funóbut it seems a hundred years ago.
    I swear to you allóI have never done a bad thing all these years. Jane, Iím sorry youíve never believed thatóbut it is true, so help me God.
    I needed desperately someone to talk to. Everything I do turns out wrong. Iíve been so stupid. I donít deserve to liveóI am worthless. I am so unhappyóplease pray for me.
    Iím sorry. I hope all three of you children get married and be happyómoney canít buy it. Peace + tranquility is a blessing.
Life is so short. Donít wast time arguing.
    Choose who you wantóif youíre lucky, youíll find someone like your Father. Loyal. Honest. The only thing he wasnít was understanding. But he couldnít help that. So I managed to mess up when I tried to help you kids. Iím so stupid. The failing is mine. Remember alwaysóhe has always been hereólove him he deserves it. But I donít. Iím not worth anything.
                                                                   I adore you.

Here is your money for car paymentóplease use it. I love you.
I didnít do anything.

Call Paramedics

    I love you so much.
    Forgive me for doing this.

Please leave $5000 for Jane and $5000 for Sue
                            And all my devoted love to my dearest family and friends always.
                                                                                                                      Mary Smith

Dearest Jane                                                                                                                                  Wed.
    I went to the little park (with all the eats) because I wanted to be by myself. If Iím not home when you get home would you
please come + get me.
    My brown purse is in top drawer!
                                                                      Love Mary
Dearest Jane
    Iím doing this against Bill, not you!
    He said (over the phone in Holland) that he loved me, but I havnít seen him more than 10n times since Iíve returned.
    The keys to all my metal boxes are in the pocket of Mamaís blue coat hanging in the closet nearest the bathroom tin the long beige plastic bag). The keys to all my trunks + suitcases are in the large metal box (with unbroken handle) on the floor of the closet. The jewelry is all real + I want only you to use itóno one else.
The negatives of all the pictures I took in Germany and Holland (for 10 years) are in the large metal box on the shelf; the prints themselves are in one of the soft sided bags on the shelf in closet.
    Anything you might need is in the brown purse in the top drawer of the chest: hospital forms (Blue Cross) (I have Medicare stamps with me). If you have any questions about the Blue Cross, call Equity in New York tel. (#). My social security number is (#).
    Ask Bill if it would help his tax situation, if he sent a letter to New York to get my W2 from for the year I worked there (I think it was X-X) Only address I can remember (address)
    I want to be buried near mama + daddy, not one of the burials at sea, nor cremation.
    Billís tel # at ďhomeĒ is (#)
His work number is Tel (#)
    Call Dr. ______, and be sure + return check + medicare when they arrive.
    P.S. Every document you will need, is in ďsmallishĒ brown purse in upper drawer. Iím out target practising.
    P.S. I bought the gun because I was very scared when I went to New York; also I canít find the copy of my birth certificate.

    To wait 1 month for Death certificate is too much. I donít think I can make it. (CROSSED OUT)
Dr. _______ is a very kind person
    I went to apply for welfareóthey put me on some kind of work house arrangement, and I have to run around all over the area for 10 Jobs. why am I being punished, it is a cruel and inhuman punishment. Iím too old for this. I donít have the stamina anymore. for a younger person it would be O.K. So I wonít qualify.
    Iím to old to live on the street. Iím a non a compitant person
things like going to an office and filling for me they always want something I donít have like Death certificate, marriage license etc. ďWhat is your addressĒ I donít have one. I cant even get mail Why is everything so hard for me. I give up. (CROSSED OUT)
     My Husband was a manic Depressive in July he became very high in a manic state and uncontrollable I managed to get him Hospitalize many times but he wouldnít stay in Hospt. We live on my small VA (#) Disability pension. Comes on 1st of month. Iíve got into our August check and by the 3rd or 4th all of our money was gone. Iíve no idea what he did with it. So I decided to go to his father and try to borrow some money to see us through the month of August. I was unsuccessful. I learned that Bill was finally in Hosp a few days after Iíd left.
    While I was up north at Bills parents and Bill was in the hosp. the owner of our apt Bld. Broke into our apt. and cleaned it out of all our possessions our rent was pay up until the end of August. I wrote and told him that I wasnít coming Back right away + if at the end of the month Bill was still in the Hospital to call the good will and give our things to them. I stressed in this letter that our rent was paid up until the end of August.ó But he didnt wait like I expected him to letter he instigated the removal of our possessions, Leaving nothing we were totally wiped out, no Belongings, no place for Bill to go when or if he was released from the Hosp.
    When He Broke into our Apt it was _______ or ________ of August, the middle of the month. I later learned that he didnít want a person with mental problems living in his Building so befor I could return, he had the apt painted and rented I beleave by the ________ th
    When my apt was being emptied a neighbor called me and told me what was taking place. I was horrified. I was 300 miles away, my Husbands in the Hospt. and Iím helpless. I called another neighbor and asked her to collect my Husbandís clothes and T.V. which she did. everything else is gone my clothes, furniture Now my husband is dead. I have no place to live and zero income. [the following crossed out]
    My Husband was released from the Hosptal knowing he had no home go to to (He was 57 years old and not well) If that might not have been a contributing factor to his Heart Failure. i feel a great wrong has been committed. I am very Hurt, very alone and very Angry.
    Tuesday August _________
    Bill called me from Hosp. and told me they were finally going to release him Wed. Aug _______ and to catch a bus Friday night which would arrive Sat morning Sept ______. He would meet me at the Bus Station and since we had no place to live he had made arrangements with a friend who has trailer.
    We would stay there over the labor day week end and come tuesday we would find us a place to stay.
    I arrived as planned Sat morning but Bill wasnt there. I waited 2 hours, then started to phone I finally called Main General and was told he was in intensive care due to heart failure.
    2 weeks later he diedóI lived at the Hospital by day and slept on a friends sofa at night in the same Apt Bid. where my Husband and I use to live, and Iím still there now.

Mary Smith
Bill entered the psych. ward in the 2nd week of August. was released 3 weeks later on Wed. August
    Sometime thursday nite 9/ó Bill had trouble breathing and was taken to Western Hospital and left there. How he got to Main General or when heart failure occured is not clear.I arrived Saturday Sept. _______. Finally found him in intensive care at Main. He was on respiration but concious and aware I was there. Monday Sept _____ he was taken off respirator was Breathing well on his own He suddenly stopped Breathing and his heart stopped they Cartiovented him 2nd time and brought him back but not until he died Sept______ MON
    I signed paper signifying no more cardioventing. To let him go, for his mind was allready gone. I also signed a paper permitting an autopsy to find out why he stopped Breathing ehn he shouldnít have.
until recently he had managed to control it.
Weíve lived in apt. 13 yrs

    Dear Jane!
    Write to my parents and explain and write gentle and nice, mail the upper part to them! Thank you! Love Mary Please, go to Joeís wedding!
    My Darling Bill
I love you very much, all my life, and you have been the best Husband that I have ever know. But I canít take it any more, please, forgive me!
    You know where the keys are to the Safty Deposit Boxes.
One is in the Fridgedaire bottom, the other one is in the green box in a brown leather case, you will find them. The leather case from my Opaís.
    Take care of yourself, and please stay healthy and live a happy life!
    Please, forgive me again!
    We had a very good Marriage!
    Safty Deposit Box at (bank)
Dear Jane, Sue, John, Tony.
Thank you for being so nice and good to me, I appriciate it very much. You have done soo much for me thanks. I love you all!
Love, Mary
    Please, go to my Joeís Wedding and make him happy! Please go!
    And please take care of my darling Bill, he needs your help now! I hate to do this, but I canít go on any more. May God forgive me!
Love, Mary
    Show Bill how to run the Washer and Dryer, and please help him out as much as you can! Stay with him!
    My Parents I love very much too!
    I love my Bill and my Joe sooo much!
My Darling Son Joe
    I love you very much, but I canít take it any more. Please forgive me! That I canít make it to your Wedding!
    Have a very happy Marriage with Sue and be happy for ever, and all your life. Have a happy Marriage, and donít let this upset you!
Please, be happy!
you have been
a good Son.
                                                                          Love you always








   ~Home Page

   ~About Us, Introduction 

   ~About Us, the Summary

   ~About Us. Index

   ~My Story

   ~To The [Abuse] Survivors ♥♥♥♥♥

   ~Top of Men Dying for Love

  ~On Doping

~ďOh, Yeah?Ē Upbeat Echoes from the First Great Stock Market Crash

   ~Victim Correction as a Panacea, the Summary (Page 1)

(Page 2), (Page 3)  

~Cancer Victims Corrected Too

  ~The Main Victim Correction as a Panacea

   ~Documentation On the Social Problem of Unnaturally Rampant Depression

  ~Standard Rationales for Victim Correction as a Panacea

   ~Schopenhauer on Predators

  ~Emphasis on Victim-Self-Blaming

~Darwinist Lehman Brothersí INSIDE Sales Tips

~Darwinist Lehman Brothersí INSIDE Introduction to Management Book

  ~Out of the Same Mold as the Great Crash of 2008

   ~Message for Intellectuals in the Islamic World

  ~Candace Newmakerís Experience

  ~Breaking Important Confidences for Your Own Good

   ~A Glimpse Into the Soul of Victim Correction

   ~Cigarette Industry and Victim Correction

  ~Niebuhrís Ideas on Our Nature and Destiny

   ~Herbal Experiences for Women

   ~Some Ideas for Rapport